Your teen has a lot of things to think about — homework, applying for college, getting a driver’s license. What if some of the thoughts weighing on your teen’s mind are about someone preying on them? Is your daughter or son being hurt by someone? Are their emotions being manipulated? Is she or he being physically injured, or forced or coerced into having sex?
What if your teen is being hurt by a partner in an intimate relationship? Would they even tell you? Probably not! A 2009 research study commissioned by Liz Claiborne, Inc. and the Family Violence Prevention Fund revealed that of those teens who have been in an abusive dating relationship, fewer than one-third (32 percent) have confided in a parent about their abusive relationship.
As February’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month nears, let’s look at some more startling statistics unearthed by the study:
• 47 percent of teens in the study had personally been victimized by controlling behaviors from a boyfriend or girlfriend
• 29 percent had been the victim of sexual abuse, physical abuse, or threats of physical abuse by a boyfriend or girlfriend
• 60 percent knew someone who has been the victim of sexual abuse, physical abuse, or threats of physical abuse by a boyfriend or girlfriend
Even when teens and parents discuss the abuse, an alarming number of teens do not take their parents’ advice. Shockingly, 78 percent of teens who have experienced dating abuse report staying in relationships despite their parents’ advice. Sixty-three percent decided to give their abusive partner “one more chance.” Twenty-eight percent lied to their parents, claiming they broke up, but continued the relationship in secret.
So what can parents do to protect their daughters and sons? First, learn some of the danger signs that could indicate your teen is involved with a potentially abusive person. The website http://www.loveisrespect.org points out that a teen experiencing abuse may:
• Make changes in their daily rituals
• Stop participating in extracurricular activities or other interests
• Withdraw and isolate from friends and family
• Begin to dress differently
• Wear clothing inappropriate for the weather in order to hide marks
• Have visible unexplained marks or bruises
• Spend excessive amounts of time with the person they’re dating
• Seem depressed or anxious
• Receive an excessive number of texts or emails from her/his partner
Many handouts, including “Help Your Child” are available for download on the website www.loveisnotabuse.com, under “Tools for Action.” You can also find a list of warning signs to help you and your teen determine if his or her relationship may be unhealthy or unsafe. College and high school Safety Planning Guides are also available.
Also handy is the free tool, “Love Is Not Abuse” iPhone app, which you can download at the iTunes App Store. This app is an educational resource that directly and dramatically highlights the problem of teen dating violence and abuse and the particular hidden problems of digital dating abuse. It also provides easy access to valuable information and resources for parents with a special focus on how technology assists in victimizing teens.
Armed with knowledge, you should next get comfortable with the need to talk about relationship abuse with your child. Raise the issue among your friends and share information and tips about how they may have handled this issue. Then, schedule some uninterrupted time alone with your teen to talk. You can begin in a general way, asking if she or he knows anyone who might have ever been involved with someone who abuses them. Keep the conversation focused and non-judgmental. Direct the discussion to your teen and his or her life. Let your child know you will be there for them, no matter what.
If your teen is more comfortable online than talking face to face, sit down and check out some websites together. One, www.loveisrespect.org, has interactive quizzes and informational pop-ups defining the different kinds of abuse, including those in LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and/or questioning) youth relationships. Another website, www.thatsnotcool.com, uses fun videos and callout cards to help teens recognize abusive digital behavior (using texting, emails, social media, etc.)
Finally, if you suspect your teen may be in an abusive relationship, but she or he just won’t talk about it with you, try leaving this number lying around your teen’s room in a prominent place for the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-331-9474. Parents can also call the same number and get advice from a trained peer advocate from 4 p.m. to 2 a.m. daily.
For more information, call Family Advocacy at 582-6604.